Book Notes - The Courage to be Disliked

5 Lessons that changed how I think

This book challenged my ideas about growth, happiness, and pain.

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is told through a dialogue between a philosopher and a skeptical young man. It introduces the core ideas of Alfred Adler’s psychology, many of which run completely counter to what we’ve been taught about trauma, emotions, and success.

Here are five lessons that hit me hardest and how they’ve shown up in my life:

1. You’re not defined by what happens to you.

“We are not determined by our experiences but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

Adler says there’s no such thing as trauma. Not because painful events don’t happen, but because our response is what shapes us. That hit me. I’ve been through a traumatic car crash that changed my life. But more than the crash itself, it was the choice to see it as a catalyst, not a curse, that helped me grow. You can’t always choose your circumstances. But you can always choose the meaning.

2. Your emotions aren’t reactions, they’re decisions.

One of the boldest ideas in the book is that we don’t feel a certain way because something happened; we feel to serve a goal. Frustration, sadness, and even anxiety are not automatic. They’re internal responses we often choose without realizing it.

This shifted everything for me. When I’m stressed or discouraged, I now ask: Is this feeling helping me? What would someone else feel in this same moment? Often, I realize I’m clinging to the emotion to protect myself or prove something. That awareness alone creates space for a different choice.

3. Most of our problems are about other people.

“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”

Whether it’s anxiety about performance, pressure to succeed, or the fear of judgment, it almost always traces back to how we think others see us. One line from the book stuck with me: “What other people think when they see your face is not your task.”

As an athlete, I’ve struggled with wanting to control how I’m perceived by teammates, coaches, and even strangers. But letting go of that pressure, focusing on my own lane, and recognizing the limits of my control has been freeing.

4. Life isn’t a competition.

In a world obsessed with rankings, Adler invites us to imagine a flat world with no vertical axis. No one above or below. Just people walking alongside each other.

This mindset shift from comparison to camaraderie has helped me reframe my journey. I still want to win in running, and I still want to be the best. But I try to remove some of the competition in other aspects of life and instead focus on moving toward a better version of myself.

5. Real happiness requires the courage to be disliked.

This is the heart of the book and the hardest pill to swallow. If you want to be truly happy, you have to give up the need for approval. You have to live in alignment with your values, even if it means not everyone claps for you.

That takes guts. But it also brings peace. When you stop trying to impress everyone, you start connecting more deeply with the people who matter, and most importantly, with yourself.

If you're someone chasing growth, wrestling with pressure, or trying to understand why certain patterns keep showing up, The Courage to Be Disliked is worth the read. It will challenge you to take full ownership of your mindset, your relationships, and your path forward.

You’ll realize that happiness isn’t something you chase; it’s something you create.